Working Mom

This is a topic of sensitivity. I have been on the working mom side and the stay-at-home side. I have friends in both situations.

My working mom friends are in constant fear that they are neglecting their children; they don't give enough time/energy/support (never do they question their love!) to their little ones. They struggle to make sure that their job is done well, and fight to make sure that their family (and home) is not neglected. They worry that focusing on one side will be to the detriment of the other, and how can they not give everything 110%?

My stay-at-home mom friends say they love being with their children. They don't want anybody else to raise them or teach them. They are interested in learning new homemaking skills. They spend lots of time with their children, but then worry that it isn't enough. They worry about what people will think when they come to visit and there are toys on the floor, laundry in a pile on the couch that hasn't been folded yet, and a garbage can that is begging to be emptied. Shouldn't a stay-at-home mom be able to have a perfectly clean and organized house? Shouldn't a stay-at-home mom be able to home school, run each of their children to an extracurricular activity each day of the week, provide a warm dinner every night that is perfectly nutritious, and spend lots of quality teaching time with each child? Oh, and she shouldn't ever feel that she doesn't like being around her children, because, hey! she chose to stay home with them.

Working moms get praised and feel accomplished for their well-done work, and there is something special in answering the small-talk question "So, what do you do?" with something that sparks an interest in a person's eyes. Stay-at-home moms do not get the same strokes; there is no paycheck to reward them for their on-call hours; and yes, this is valuable and cannot be replaced by hugs around a neck, and a "thank you" from a spouse- although these are needed, appreciated, and well make the effort worth everything. Then, there's that dead look that comes into a person's eyes when they hear, "I am a stay-at-home mom" as if there is nothing further to discuss (unless said person is also a stay-at-home mom).

I still want to work. I miss being a PA. I miss the brain challenge, and the paycheck. I do NOT miss the office politics, the long "extra" hours, the nightmare of finding somebody I trust to watch my children. I love being able to stay at home with my daughters and play with them and teach them, explore new places. I love that I have time to learn new skills, and that I know if I'm not spending every minute with my child, that's ok (but it wouldn't be for a child care provider). I do NOT like the conversation stopping answer of my current occupation. I do not like that I don't get money for my work. I do not like that there are days where I want to jump in my car and drive away from everything and everyone. I do not like the pressure and expectation I put on myself to have the perfect children/house/skills etc. (although I think that would be true whether I worked or not).

Dear friends, I know you love your children. I can see it in the way you talk about them, and talk with them. I can see it in the way they respond to you. That is true for both working and home moms. I know that the decision to work or not is very difficult. I know that it is hard to not judge others who make a decision with which you disagree. I know it's hard to want to do everything and not be able to feel like you're even making a dent.

For me, I know I'm doing the best I can (most days!). I know that I love my daughters. There are days where the fact they are dressed and fed and not hurting anybody (themselves or others) is all I can expect. There are days where I pine for my old PA job, and there are other days where I could shout with joy that I am able to stay home. For now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, and what I know every friend of mine who is a mother is out there doing- being the best Mom they know how to be.