Back Up Date

It is sometimes difficult to have medical knowledge; I have just enough to be dangerous. I know what some recommendations are, but I often question if what I know is outdated, or if what I am remembering is right.

That's how I felt when I discovered my numbness and weakness in my left leg two weeks ago. I knew it was neurological, and I knew it was probably my back, but I didn't know enough to reassure me- I just knew it was not good.

Over the last two weeks I've tried hard to not do too much, to let my body heal from the c-section surgery and from my herniated disk. It is almost lazy decadence to let somebody else bring me water, a heating pad, medicine, wash the clothes, cook the meals & clean up after them, etc. But, often, it's just really hard not to do it myself, or at least not feel guilty that I'm on the receiving end as opposed to the serving end.

I've heard many talks by general authorities in our church about humbling oneself. I've read stories and heard anecdotes about how people had a hard time receiving service. I've always known that it was harder for me to accept help than to give it (I find it much more comfortable to "chip in" and help in pretty much any setting).

I have been humbled once again- not only must I fight myself to not do too much, but I also have to allow people to help. I have been so grateful for ALL the offers, and for all the help given- much of it unsolicited and the initiative taken by the giver.

How can I thank these wonderful women (and men)? Will my penned thank you notes be enough? I am sure that the notes won't convey how truly grateful I am for their help- nor how much I really need it (even though I'm still trying to do as much as I can on my own).

So I'm "back up" and at 'em. I'm getting around (with a limp), and I'm able to walk and can even carry Veronica (which is a huge relief!). My medical knowledge helps me to remember that there are good signs (I am walking, I am relatively young, I am in relatively good physical condition, the pain is improving- I am even needing less medication) and my experience in oncoglogy and all the advice I gave my patients, particularly "LISTEN to your body!" has also come back to reinforce what I am doing. I want to do enough to keep me a little challenged, but not enough to stress my body to the point of creating more problems. And that balance is hard. And that is also why I'm so very grateful for all the help from friends and family.

My appointment yesterday with the neurosurgeon went well. He said that since my pain is better, and I'm already having some restoration of muscle function (I was able to get on my tip-toes for a split second on Sunday!), that there's a good chance I'll recover without any surgical intervention. Of course, he was his professional self by being sure to be diplomatic: I may not fully recover. I might have some residual weakness, and numbness. And, these two deficiencies will take six months to a year or longer to reach their maximum improvement. He also said some days will be better than others. I just need to do what I can and rest when I need to. And the best exercise (or physical therapy) is just to walk.

I am getting better. I am feeling better. I am recovering. I don't need surgery. But I'll probably be a gimp for another six months (with gradual improvement) to a year, and I may have some permanent nerve damage leaving me with possibly some muscle weakness, and probably some numbness.

So, I'll push myself a little and I'll rest when I need to. And, I will ask for help. Because I know I need it. And, because accepting this help might make the difference between me walking normally next year, or limping for the rest of my life...